Let’s face it, we’ve all been there. Something unpleasant happens and you feel your heart sink to your knees, sweat patches forming on your freshly laundered shirt, and static buzzing in your ears.
You’re at a party where you only know your friend who brought you there. As soon as you enter the venue, already conscious about how your hair/outfit/gait looks, your friend vanishes into the crowd. She forgets to introduce you to anyone there- so you just stand there, nervous, wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole (or that you’d just stayed home). You feel your ears getting hot and palms getting clammy as people half-glance at you. They think I’m stupid, I should say something, you wonder. Mustering up some courage, you say hello to the first person you can see and they walk past you without acknowledging you. You were too soft, they couldn’t hear you. That’s when your chest starts to feel tight and you feel a lump forming in your throat. Inside your head, a tiny caricature of a brain with beady eyes and a nervous smile pops up, whispering, “It’s been a while, but I’m just here to tell you that everything is going to turn out horribly and all these people hate you.” This is your anxiety brain. You’re not equipped to deal with it.
There are two directions this could go in. The first- you have a full-blown panic attack and retire to the restroom, hyperventilating. You slip out of the party and go home, texting your friend an excuse on your way out.
The other way this could go would be you taking a deep breath, using a technique that works for you to manage your anxiety, and making the best out of the evening. I’m not saying that staying home or even leaving a situation that makes you uncomfortable is wrong, it is necessary in a bunch of scenarios- this is for the times you want to stay and have a good time but your anxiety brain doesn’t let you.
Anxiety is difficult to combat because in most cases, it doesn’t have a tangible cause- it is free-flowing. It takes the shape of whatever stressful situation you are faced with. If your body is triggered to be in fight or flight mode, it will find a reason to be anxious. That is why it is important to regain control over your body in order to regain control of your mind when it comes to anxiety.
The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and the tiny anxiety brain is encouraging you to flee a situation, try these simple techniques out to help you calm down.
Deep Breathing (4-4-6)
Try rolling your shoulders back, unclenching your jaw, and taking a few deep breaths in through your nose, and out through your mouth. The anxiety will make it hard to breathe- so make sure you can feel the breath all the way in your belly when you are inhaling. Try placing your hand on your stomach as you do this, it will make you more aware of your breathing.
Close your eyes. Once you feel the panic subside slightly, take a deep breath in for four seconds through your nose, hold your breath for four seconds, and exhale for six seconds through your mouth. You can count in your head as you do so- it will distract you from your irrational, anxious thoughts.
Do it a few times till your heartbeat normalizes and you feel calm enough to move on to doing other things.
Question Yourself
I don’t mean question your self-worth or place in the world- question your negative, distorted thoughts that are causing the anxiety. For every thought, ask yourself, “what is making me believe that this is true?” Once you challenge a thought enough, you realize that you might be engaging in cataclysmic thinking.
If you find yourself unable to challenge the thoughts, find a way to create an experiment to regain control of the situation. For example, at the party I described above, you could decide to approach the person to who you said hello and repeat your greeting. This should prove that they do not have anything against you and merely missed your greeting.
Creating these experiments and questioning your distorted thoughts will help you root yourself in reality.
Detach Yourself from the Thought
You are not your anxiety. When you feel anxiety creeping up on you, instead of cursing yourself for being “an anxious person”, create a divide between your thoughts/anxiety and yourself. Remind yourself that you’re just someone who is faced with a stressful situation that will pass.
Instead of saying “everyone hates me” try and say, “I’m having the thought that everyone hates me”
This instantly creates distance between you and your thought, making it feel less permanent. As a mental health specialist, I’ve tried this several times and it works. Whenever I have an obsessive thought about something, putting a simple “I’m having the thought that…” works wonderfully.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
This technique is something you can turn to when you are too anxious to think straight. It is used by therapists to help their clients relax before conducting exercises to treat phobias, so it really works to calm the body down when irrational thinking is involved.
This technique works by tightening and relaxing different groups of muscles in the body. The act of creating tension in the muscle and then releasing it makes you more aware of how being relaxed feels.
Start by tensing all the muscles in your forehead for 5 counts, squeeze tightly, then let go and relax your forehead for 10 counts. Allow yourself more time to feel relaxed as compared to feeling tensed. Move on to do the same with your jaw, neck and shoulders, arms and hands, stomach, pelvic muscles and bottom, legs, and finally, your feet. After you are done, tense your entire body for 5 counts and then relax for 10 counts.
Now that you know these easy to learn relaxation techniques, try to use them the next time you find yourself in an unfamiliar, stressful situation. Say hello a second time, do some deep breathing in the bathroom and return to the party, a little more prepared to face the crowd. Watch your tiny anxiety brain dissolve as you breathe.
Above all, remember, you are not your anxiety.
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